When I was younger I thought that life was easy, my parents were and still are more than I could ask for. They were always there for me when I needed them. When you’re older you start to develop ways of dealing with your own problems, and try your best not to bother your parents with personal issues, atleast that is how I am. I went off to University as a mature student at the age of 24 and it was one of the best experiences I have had, I learnt so much about myself. I thought that life would develop into something really amazing after University, I graduated with a 2:1 degree and was happier than ever. I had no way of knowing that my life would spiral out of control.
I recently watched an animation about a guy who refers to his depression as his “black dog”. I can relate to this, it grows and becomes this thing that stops you from doing anything productive. I am trying my best to fight my “black dog”, I am quite an optimistic person but that optimism has been waining. I am finding it difficult to get out of bed, if I go to the gym I stay for 10 minutes and leave because I just don’t feel like it. Doing any sort of work takes me the whole day to get started. When I left University, I didn’t move back in with my parents, I moved into somewhere that I now regret and I believe it has added or is the cause of my depression. I live with someone that hoards, and I am now stuck. The house is like a blackhole, it takes any form of happiness or creativity and takes it away never to be seen again. Now, if you’re reading this you’re probably saying;
“Well why dont you just move out?” “Why don’t you get a job?” “Ask your parents for help?”
These are good questions, but believe me when I say that I have tried. It has been a long and difficult journey so far. I have had temporary jobs, I have applied for permanent positions. I’ve had interviews for places that would be my ideal job, but the depression has knocked my confidence to the point where I find it difficult to talk to people. It is an endless cycle of constant trying and just falling at every hurdle, especially when you get things like chipped windscreens twice in one month, laptop chargers breaking, car tyres being punctured. You start believe that life is either playing a cruel game or it is testing you. Panic starts to set in when you’re running out money that you start playing the lottery with what little money you have just for the hope that you might win, but you know you won’t. I don’t even play to win the lottery, I play for the raffle because I know thats more likely. It has got past the point of asking my parents for help, I am embarrased to talk to them about my issues. They are amazing but it is just not something I feel I can talk to them about or anyone for that matter, that is why I am writing this on here because it is sort of anonymous. More than anything in the world I want to work in my chosen career but the lack of jobs is something that I’m struggling with. I’m trying to work freelance but there isn’t enough out there, and if I do find anything they expect me to work for free.
Then it gets to that point where the only thoughts that you have are dark ones then it becomes scary, everything becomes real. You can see your life in picture form and there is nothing but darkness and you can’t see anything past how you’re feeling right now. The future becomes bleak and any confidence that you had in yourself disappears completely. I try so hard to force myself to get up and go, but I can’t. I don’t think I can do it anymore. I don’t know where to go or where to turn. When you think about death you start to feel a sense of relief, kind of like when you’re in a really bad relationship and then you break-up and you feel free. That is how I feel death would be.
I hope I will one day feel free.
- The Black Dog (d24scream.wordpress.com)
- Working with Depression…. (sadmumhappymum.wordpress.com)
- I Have a Black Dog and Sometimes It Escapes From Its Leash: A Movember Blog About Men’s Mental Health (shitscoobsdranks.com)